My thanks to golfing pal Tony Brock who compiled these and posted them on the Byfield Golf Society website and also to the anonymous legion of golfers whose witticisms have been gathered together below.
A husband and wife, both golfers, were discussing the future when the wife said “If I died, would you marry again?”
“Well, my dear, a man gets lonely so I might. But I could never find another like you,.”
“You wouldn’t let her wear my clothes, would you?”
“Of course not, my love.
“You wouldn’t let here wear my jewellery, would you?”
“Of course not, my dear.”
“And you wouldn’t let her use my golf clubs would you?”
“They’d be no good to her; she’s left handed.
Golf, bloody golf!
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap. IE. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
The ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
When practicing your putting on your living room carpet always remember that the ball will break towards furniture but away from walls.
You have just missed a fairway that’s fifty yards wide, so what makes you think you’re going to be able to hit your ball through a gap in the trees that’s less than a yard wide?
They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered.
"Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
I was playing so badly that I decided to throw my golf clubs in the lake – and missed.
“How was your golf game?”
“Oh. You know, hit and miss!”
10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty......
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh shit my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up, I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Not a caddy's place . . . .
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Golfer: “I don’t think my game could get any worse.”
Caddy: “Give it time, sir, give it time.”
Golfer: “Can you give me any suggestions?”
Caddy: “Have you considered taking up fishing?”
Golf Shot Nicknames.
If a golf shot described as a “Paula Radcliffe” is a bit thin but runs for miles, then what are the following:
A Glenn Miller
A Gerry Adams
An OJ Simpson
A Princess Grace
A Michael Jackson
An Anna Kournikova
A Vinnie Jones
A Douglas Bader
A Ken Livingstone
A Tony Blair
A John Marie le Pen
An Alistair Campbell
A Jamie Oliver
A Kate Moss
An Arthur Scargill
An Adolf Hitler
An Eva Braun
A Saddam Hussein
A Chuck Berry
A Rock Hudson
A Diego Maradonna
Answers in next week’s blog (there is no prize).
And I couldn’t resist just one political comment:
So Tristram Hunt MP has decided not to join the contest to be the new Labour leader. Whether or not he would have been the right person for the job I have no idea. I also have no vote in the election, so whatever I think isn’t really going to affect things, but I’ll say this: It comes as no surprise that Hunt couldn’t muster enough support for a leadership bid.
For five years Labour have been calling the Tories a bunch of posh boys who are only interested in helping other posh boys. Would the Labour Party membership now just disregard those five years of propaganda and elect a posh boy of their own? I think we now know the answer.
Bad luck, Tristram, your own birth and privileged life have made you pretty much unelectable as Labour leader, not just for the present but for the future as well. And they call the Tories the Nasty Party.