Well, one has arrived through my letter box recently that I'm pretty sure wasn't intended for me, so I thought I'd share it with you.
Well, what a wonderful year it’s been. The Brexit negotiations are going so well and the economy is booming. I’m more popular than any Prime Minister in living history and the party is headed for a landslide victory at the next general election.
Oh, sorry, did I really write that? I think my medication must be starting to wear off. Let me start again.
I suppose the year could have been worse for both me and the Party, but I really can’t see how. Let me say up front that I recognise that calling that election might not have been the brightest idea that I ever had, but it seemed that the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. With a 20 point lead in the polls, what could possibly go wrong? Well, quite a lot, as it turned out.
I must admit that when I said I wanted to help those people who were 'just about managing', I didn't expect it to be me that was in need of help.
How could I possibly have known that threatening to remove the pensioners’ Winter Fuel Allowance, and sell their houses to pay for their care in their old age, would be so unpopular amongst voters whose only assets are their houses and who might die of hypothermia if they can’t pay for their heating?
Well, actually we would have been selling their children’s inheritance to pay for the care, but so what? Why should people care about that? I mean, it’s not as if any Conservative MPs have ever inherited any wealth, is it? Ah, Phillip has just kindly pointed out that, actually, quite a lot of Conservative MPs inherit their wealth, but that isn’t the point, is it? I mean, people are just so sensitive about these sorts of things these days. How the heck was I supposed to know that its mainly the elderly that vote Tory? No one tells one these things.
Also no one told me that people actually like to vote for people, not robots, and going around saying ‘strong and stable’ all day, every day, made me sound like my program was stuck in a never ending loop. I’d like to blame Jeremy, but I suppose I could have lied about fixing student debt as well. He didn’t expect to win, so he could have promised everyone a free unicorn and it wouldn’t have made any difference to him. Think how funny it would have been if he’d actually had to deliver on all those promises. Well, maybe not that funny.
We actually took 5.5% more of the vote than last time, and on a higher turnout. Angela Merkel actually lost 8.6% of her vote in the German election but everyone seems to have overlooked that and are saying that it would be a shame if she can't form a government. It’s all Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy for some reason. I mean, to quote a line from Monty Python (that will upset John Cleese), “He’s not the Messiah, he’s …” Well, you know how the rest goes.
I must find out what we can do to attract more young voters, like Jeremy did. Perhaps I should have a word with Kenneth Clarke, he seems to have his finger on the youth vibe, as I believe it’s called. At least, he's into jazz and that's the same thing, isn't it? Maybe I should go to Glastonbury next year. Oh, Phillips has just pointed out that it isn’t on next year and by the following year I’ll be toast anyway, if things keep going the way they are.
So here we go, into a brave new future, with a stitched up deal with Satan, sorry, the DUP, that allows us to continue in government, (cheap at half the price, as far as I'm concerned - it makes £40 billion to leave the EU look like very small beer) when I could just have sat on my 12 seat majority until 2020 and waited for Labour to finish imploding and Jeremy finally got kicked out. Instead I made him seem electable. I just wish I could work out how I did it.
It won't last, of course. The longer we remain in government the longer he has to keep his true policies hidden and he can't keep that up forever. Either he or Maccy D will eventually say something that will have the voters rushing back to Nanny. I must make sure to keep the internet chappies in party HQ digging around for old Tweets. We'll need to re-think our social media strategy as well, whatever that is.
As I’m sure you’ve all seen in the papers, Brexit is working out a lot harder than anyone expected. Well, harder than the Brexiteers expected, anyway. Somehow we’ve been saddled with promises that Boris and Co had no right to make during the referendum campaign. They weren’t speaking for anyone other than themselves when they campaigned, but I’ve been stuck with delivering what they promised even though I didn’t say a word during the whole thing. I mean, what’s the point of imitating a submarine if you then get torpedoed? For some reason the voters seem to actually expect us to spend another £350 million a week on the NHS. I mean, how unreasonable is that?
Then, just when we think we've got a deal and can move on, Arlene puts her big foot in it and we have to start again. Maybe we'll need to bribe ... I mean offer more cash for investment in Northern Ireland. Anyway, we got there in the end, even if I did have to get up in the middle of the night to go to Brussels to sign the deal. I did suggest I go over at a civilised time, but apparently they wanted a signature before anyone else weighed in and put the kibosh on it.
As for Junker, Tusk and Barnier, it’s almost as though they don’t want to give us a good deal when we leave the EU. After all we did for them, as well. OK, yes, Phillip has just pointed out that we didn't do anything for them, it was our parents, grandparents and great grandparents, but come on, that must count for something. Of course, sending David over there to do the negotiations was never going to work out. But he insisted that everything was going to be brilliant when we left, so I believed him. I mean, what’s the world coming to when you can’t trust the word of a politician?
Michael Gove is also doing a splendid job plotting his own downfall (again). He just can’t resist plotting and it always goes wrong for him, poor lamb. If either of them actually did the jobs they are paid to do, instead of mucking about the way they do, I’d have had to pack my bags months ago. As it is, the more they mess up the more I look like a safe pair of hands.
That sexual harassment business is all very worrying. I feel slightly left out because no one ever bothered to sexually harass me. It’s hard to play the victim card if you’ve never been a victim. I mean – what’s wrong with me? Anyway, it’s cost me one Minister already and I can’t help feeling that there will be more. Usually Labour would be all over that sort of thing at the Dispatch Box, but thankfully their lot are just as bad as mine, so they have to stay shtum on the subject. Anyway, I've offered the lobby fodder a cross party independent body to look into the whole thing, so that's kicked it into the long grass for now.
Priti was another one that shot herself in the foot, as I’m sure you know. It’s an old dodge, of course; go on holiday and fix up a few ‘political meetings’ while you’re there and you can claim the cost of the whole thing on your Parliamentary expenses. It’s the same dodge that business people have been using for decades to get their companies to pay for their holidays. If she’d just told Boris what she was going to do it would all have worked out fine for her. I should feel sorry for her, but having to re-shuffle the Cabinet for the second time in a week was no joke, so my sympathy tap is firmly turned off.
Enough of my woes; how have you all been? I’d like to wish you all the very happiest of Christmases and a prosperous New Year, but of course we’re still in government so there’s no chance of that happening. Just a word to the wise, if you’ve ever had any off-shore dealings with Bermuda I suggest you cover your tracks now. Something big is about to break on that front. Oh, sorry, dear Phillip’s just told me that the cat’s already out of the bag on that one. Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me anything?????
At least we have one bit of good news. Prince Harry (he's the ginger one) has got engaged to Megan. With that and Kate's new arrival the press will be so busy running multi-page spreads and souvenir editions that there will be no space left over for politics until at least next June!
Anyway, do have the best possible time over Christmas and try not read the newspapers, or watch TV, or listen to the radio, or go on the internet. You don’t want to upset yourself if it can be avoided. Meanwhile, there’s a farmer in Sussex I have to apologise to for ruining his crops.
Your affectionate friend